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Author Topic: The Diary of an Englishman Living anywhere in England  (Read 1789 times)

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Offline Dolly Diver

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The Diary of an Englishman Living anywhere in England
"Our First Winter in Our New Home - 2010"

Nov 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season & the first we 've seen for years. The wife & I took our hot toddies & sat on the porch watching the fluffy, soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees & covering the ground. It's so beautiful & peaceful.

Dec 7th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal-white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight! Every tree & bush is covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled the snow for the first time ever & loved it. I did both our driveway & the pavement. Later that day, a snowplough came along & accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled & waved. I waved back & shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes & a carrot for a nose. They then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me & hit the car so I threw a couple back & joined in their fun. It snowed an additional 5 inches last night & the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees & bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway clear again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplough came by & did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.

Dec 21st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought some snow tyres for both cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to the doctor but nothing was broken.

Dec 25th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car & bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall & did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white stuff last night. Both vehicles now covered in salt & iced-up slush. That bloody snowplough came by twice yesterday. Where's that bloody shovel?

Jan 4th

More bloody snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles & a paraffin heater, which tipped over & nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns. Lost all my eyebrows & eyelashes. Car hit a deer on the way to casualty & was written off.

Jan 13th
Damned white stuff just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little buggers next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little brats' backside that it'll take good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the swine that drives the snowplough, I?ll chew open his chest & rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the sod hides around the corner & waits for me to finish shovelling & then he accelerates down the street like Michael bloody Schumacher & buries the driveway again.

Jan 17th
16 more sodding inches of f****** snow & ice & sleet & God knows what other white stuff fell last night. I am in court in 3 months for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can 't feel or move my damned toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 degrees & more bloody snow forecast.

Sod this, I'm moving to Tenerife.