· Paddy got arrested in B&Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.
· Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
· Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight." His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions.. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... We don't go down past my mother's house!"
· My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
· I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!" She replied, "No, but I have!"
· A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up. I should've got off four stops ago!"
· French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"
· The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
· I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!
· Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!