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Author Topic: Mature friends!  (Read 1893 times)

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Offline Dolly Diver

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Mature friends!
« on: August 27, 2011 »
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  • Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
    something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ?Mabel, do you know you've got a
    suppository in your left ear??
    Mabel answered, ?I have a suppository in my ear?? She pulled it out and stared at
    it. Then she said, ?Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to
    find my hearing aid.?
    When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but
    added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend
    of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ?You know very well that he died of
    diarrhea, not gonorrhea.?
    Replied the widow, ?I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of
    diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great
    lover rather than the big I am an idiot he always was.?

    An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on
    the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man
    overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old
    woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found
    something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It
    read: ?Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the
    ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it
    was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.?
    The old woman faxed back: ?Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.?

    A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
    the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they
    accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
    They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for
    ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of
    it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket
    towards the door, the husband cried out, ?Watch that wall!?

    When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing
    her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, ?I have a 22 year
    old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me
    pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.?

    I said, ?Well, then why are you crying??
    She said, ?He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then
    makes love to me for half the afternoon...?

    I said, ?Well, why are you crying??
    She said, ?For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert
    and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.?
    I said, ?Well, why in the world would you be crying??
    She said, ?I can't remember where I live!?


    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared
    all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
    meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ?Now don't
    get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think
    of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
    your name is.?

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
    her. Finally she said, ?How soon do you need to know??

    Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to
    run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
    Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
    Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.