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Offline Dolly Diver

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Divorce letter
« on: September 25, 2011 »
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  • Dear Wife,

    I?m writing you this letter to tell you that I?m leaving you forever. I?ve been a
    good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

    These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your
    job today & that was the last straw.

    Last week, you came home & didn?t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your
    favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

    You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

    You don?t tell me you love me any more; you don?t want sex or anything that connects
    us as husband & wife. Either you?re cheating on me or you don?t love me any-more;
    whatever the case, I?m gone.

    Your EX-Husband

    P.S. don?t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
    Have a great life!


    Dear Ex-Husband

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

    It?s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry
    from what you?ve been.

    I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too
    badthat doesn?t work.

    I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind
    was ?You look just like a girl!?  Since my mother raised me not to say anything if
    you can?t saysomething nice, I didn?t comment.

    And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
    SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

    About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 pricetag was
    still on them, & I prayed it was acoincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50
    from me that morning.

    After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

    So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets
    to Jamaica

    But when I got home you were gone..

    Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

    I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

    My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won?t get a dime from me.
    So take care.

    Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

    P.S. I don?t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
    I hope that?s not a problem..


    Re: Divorce letter
    « Reply #1 on: August 23, 2013 »
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  • Fabulous Dolly

    This is NOT taken from the net this would be my reply to him:-  In my own words having had an experience years ago with an ex, but without the Carl thing but had to include it as it was in keeping with the story:-

    My Dearest Wife,

    Technically soon to be ex wife but I just couldn't bring myself to say it and wish in retrospect that I had not been too hasty, I have been remembering the good things about you, particularly your hair, or lack of it, the way you shaved your legs that used to wrap around me in the night so silky ,and the way your chin was so smooth and without the stubble I have now experienced with Carla, your dainty feet so small with your red painted toe nails.  I must say Carla's feet do not have the same effect they are size 9 and then some.  I wonder my cherished one how I failed to notice this before.

    I will leave Carla my cherished one if you would give me a second chance, we did say for better or worse, richer or poorer did we not my sweetheart? so if you could send me a ticket to Barbados where I can join you and we can resume as before, I think we are worth fighting for and I am sure we could make it work.

    Your Cowed Soon To Be ex husband. xx

    Dear Ex husband

    Our divorce came through today, in fact I opened the envelope just before I opened this one so now we are officially ex husband and ex wife.

    I too have been remembering your finer points, the way you looked after our finances, commandeering all my wages for my own good to teach me the value of money, and buying me a bus pass so I could get to work, I do remember you suggesting that I could walk there and it would be more healthy for me, bless you, you always did try to look after me, but when I pointed out that I would be unable to make your morning fry up  before setting off as there would be no time you agreed to the bus pass.  I was most grateful for that.

    I also remember how you did not go in for birthday presents as there was nothing to be celebrated by our getting one year older, nor did you believe in presents or celebrations for Christmas as you thought it should be spent in Church celebrating the birth of Our Saviour, not that you ever went to Church at Christmas or any other time, that was always somewhat of a puzzle to me.

    My darling ex, I feel for you that it didn't work out with Carla, I know on top of everything she snores like a pig, and I know how sensitive to noise you are as I had to virtually lip read my soaps as you insisted that the TV be almost muted,  but that is unfortunate as I got friendly with a real hunk called Juan on the number 67 bus (you know the one you bought me the bus pass for) he always used to buy me a coffee before we boarded and a bacon bap as I never had any money to buy one for myself as there was never enough fry up for me as the allowance for the food shop you allotted just wouldn't stretch for both of us, and well one thing led to another and he is here is Barbados with me.

    My very sincere thanks for teaching me the value of money so you will understand when I say that I can only afford to keep one man so having you over would just be sheer financial folly, a term you often used, but it stuck with me and I know you will approve of my theory.

    Your very definite Ex wife.
    « Last Edit: August 23, 2013 by Daisi »