My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that.. 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Man calls 999 and says, "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!?
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
A wife says to her husband ?you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.? He says ?what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.?
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said ?is that you or the beer talking?? I replied ? it's me talking to the beer.?
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
?Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.?