Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
economy,Management has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This
scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed
under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as
many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much I am an idiot
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided
itself on the amount of I am an idiot it gives employees.. Should you feel that you
do not receive enough I am an idiot, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.They
have been trained to give you all the I am an idiot you can handle.